I’m here to tell you about why I started to think about death everyday, on purpose. throughout my day, I will consciously make a point of spending 3–5 minutes deeply contemplating the emotional pain I’d suffer if I just found out my dad was killed on the drive home from a party. I even have an app for that! (It’s called “WeCroak”. It sends me 5 notifications at random times throughout the day with a quote that reminds me to pay attention to the present. It’s based on the people from Bhutan who consciously think about death several times a day as a reminder to live fully in the moment. They are widely regarded as the happiest nation on earth).
Weird, isn’t it? In North America we have this sort of “taboo” around conversations on the topic of death around a dinner table, for example. We don’t usually catch ourselves having another casual conversation with someone at a cocktail party over the amount of time we spend thinking about plummeting to our deaths. It’s just not done. There is no place for death at the table of acceptable social conversation topics. So, I never really spent time thinking about it.
But why don’t we talk about it? (more on that later).
I began to think about my death after I heard Gary Vee talk about it. If I ever get famous and someone asks me “so, what was the turning point in your life?” my answer will be this video followed by this video. I had just never seen that, you know? An “alpha male” talking about living life based on how you’ve defined happiness for yourself. I’m not saying positive male role models didn’t exist until Gary Vee but I am saying that as a male growing up on this side of the world I didn’t really see any males talking about emotions or soft skills. Anything regarding emotional intelligence really. I know a lot of people don’t like his style or antics etc, but know that for ME, he was the guy who built the foundation of my new framework for life. It’s like he gave me permission to feel again. He changed the lenses through which I saw the world from. I was someone who took others for-granted. I would even ignore the people in my life who loved me. I treated them as accessories…useful whenever I needed them. My attention was focused on everything that had to do with me or that would benefit me only. What I became however, was someone who finally understood why we should put the majority of our time (not all) into deeply connecting with others. Building meaningful relationships with other humans. In the end, nothing else will matter. Gary showed me how to earn my self confidence and why that is the key to expressing yourself & showing vulnerability so you can have better relationships with other humans.
I made this change when I finally understood (& saw) what regret was. I went to the senior care home near my house and spoke with a lovely gentleman by the name of Gus; he was 91 years old and had been living alone in this home for many years now. At the end of our conversation I understood why Gary thought people should spend more time with the elderly. That day, I learned & understood why hedging against regret is the single most important effort we should make as human beings.
If you think about death enough, you will more frequently be reminded that we get 1 life. Like, you REALLY start to think about it. The more you think about it, the more you realize how quickly you’re speeding towards regret because you’re not truly doing what you want. If you were like me, you start to realize you were living someone else’s life…and how deeply unnerving and anxiety filled it is. You begin to become very aware and often even panic when thinking about regret looming in lieu of you living your life based on other people’s opinions of you. I was paralyzed at the thought of expressing myself authentically, as the real me because I was afraid of what everyone else would think of me. The day I began to live like I had 1 life was the day I began I listened to my opinion of myself with 51% of the influence. I decided to take ownership for the decisions that were telling the story of my life. That’s when I changed. When the pain of staying the same was greater than the pain of change — I finally did something about it. The more I thought about death, the more I understood how ineffective, and even how silly it was, to think about what anyone else thinks about the decisions I’ve made in my life. I said to myself “I’m going to die with or without their opinions of me. If I won’t be able to care about their opinions when I’m dead, why am I overvaluing them right now?” My losses are mine. Whether someone passes judgement on me or not, it is still something I have to work through anyway. Therefore, I literally CAN’T worry about what anyone else thinks. I have to be the majority stakeholder in my life, it simply can’t be any other way.
If I feel regret at 91 living in a senior home alone, I know it was because of the decisions I made leading up to that moment. It is all on me. But, I wouldn’t be able to swallow that idea knowing I got there living my life based on what other people thought was best for me. I’d rather die on my own sword, so to speak. Not everything that happens in your life is your fault, but it is all your responsibility.
And I understand this now that I understand the crushing pain of regret…because I talked to it for 2 hours.
Let me tell you…regret is the single most painful experience you can have as a human being. It is a collision between the moment where you realize what life was really all about, and between the moment where you realize you can’t do anything about it anymore. As you can imagine, this would be painfully distressing to you. The good news is, you can avoid this horror! All you have to do is remember that this life, IS going to end.
Nowadays when I think about death, I am inspired. I feel thankful to still be alive despite my circumstances, and my perspective finds clarity. Because of this practice, I don’t hesitate to show someone I care about them. I know that one of these days, maybe my dad will have died on his way home from a party. It might sound a bit violent but for me it works because it raw. Yes, it is painful; but it is real. The thing is…that could really happen, ya know? Which means, all we have is right now. By definition!
Sometimes I get into an argument or disagreement with my brother and I find myself pulling out one of my classic coping mechanisms from when I was still projecting my B.S. onto others, entitled “ye olde put up big emotionally protective walls between you and others, & shut everyone out for 4 days with the silent treatment” act. Now, because of death I am reminded to think about what it would feel like if that argument was the last words exchanged between my brother and I. I imagine that after that conversation he goes out to blow off some steam and gets ran off the road by a reckless driver and dies on impact. That’s what I think about. And guess what? I drop the bullshit real fucking FAST. I stand up, go back upstairs and resolve this tension before any more time passes. I tell him that the relationship I have with him is of utmost importance to me and is among my highest priorities. I tell him that I love him and that our relationship is of the utmost importance and priority to me. I finally gained perspective on life.
I learned that the people in our lives are, and WILL always be the most fulfilling aspects of our human experience.
Can you imagine calling your dad on his drive home from that party, and he doesn’t pick up? You continue to call him with no success. Hours later a police officer comes to your front door and tells you he was killed. One day, that day WILL have come. In one way or another. I hope that day doesn’t come soon, but I want to live as if it is.
Everyday, think about death for a short while. See how it improves your life. How it inspires you to express the real you.
Maybe you’ll even become the most interesting person at the dinner party :)
